Chewy’s Diary

A Diary Entry from Chewy

(Sigh).  My attempts to oust Lauren’s human have left me exhausted.  How did this happen?  It was just me and her, and now?  This human has taken over.  I have heard others call him “Jeff” or “husband” but I refuse to give him such dignity.
I knew something was wrong with him right from the start.  How did I know?  He didn’t pet me.  He. Did. Not. Pet. Me.  Everyone pets me.  Everyone loves me… this human?  This human doesn’t like to pet me.  Obviously, there is something wrong with him.  
So, it was up to me to put a stop to this “relationship” right away.
Since my fur seems to be so offensive, my first step was to make sure I would perpetually annoy him all day.  Solution: Roll all over the human’s pillow when he gets out of bed.  That way, my fur will be stuck in his beard and he will spend all day picking it out.  This successfully worked to irritate him but the human got smart.  He put a different pillow on the bed other than the one he sleeps on.  Damn!
I still roll on the replacement pillow out of principle.
I realized later that this human needed to understand the hierarchy of this family.  You want to sit on that side of the couch?  Too bad, human.  I’m going to sit in it as soon as you get up.  (I actually got this idea from watching the human’s two children fight over who could sit in the recliner.  The fight caused massive irritation for the human so I figured it would be a perfect sneak attack.)  The human then tried to order me out of his seat.  Hah!  Whatever, dude.  I’m just going get comfy right here.  Right in this very spot that is still warm from your butt.  
Unfortunately, I got in trouble from mom when I growled at the human for trying to physical displace me from the couch.  Blast!
I wanted to sit on this side of mom anyway, human, so don’t think you’ve won. 
Various other tactics I’ve used is excessive begging while the human is in the kitchen.  I’ve left pieces of food in his path so he will step on it.  (This served as a great way to both annoy the human as well as break my food into smaller pieces so it’s easier to eat.  See?  Always thinking.)  I make sure to bark ceaselessly whenever the human is home and the doorbell rings.  I also try not to get excited when he comes home but I can’t seem to stop my reaction to the doorbell.  Minor hurdle.  I make a point to never listen to his commands like, “Go outside and go potty, Chewy”.  I’m sorry, were you talking to me?  Is your name mom?  No?  Well, I’m not listening to you, human.  I’ve also displayed my warrior prowess by viciously attacking my stuffed raccoon to show him how scary I am.  The human merely laughs at me.
I have heard others refer to small statured canines as “ankle bitters”.  While I find this offensive, I decided to give it try.  Apparently it’s annoying so it’s a perfect tactic to use on the human.  Unfortunately, I got in trouble again.  Crap. 
Now, I sit on the replacement pillow, watching mom type away on her laptop.  I dream of better days, squirrels, and cheese.  I’m even more depressed than usual right now because I smell like a woman.  Apparently, rolling in poop is frowned upon.  It’s not all that bad, really.  The next time I go outside I get bark and chase squirrels.  That always makes me feel better.
Only a few more hours left with just mom.  After that the human will be home and I’ll need to come up with another game plan.

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